old dudes

so my old dude calls me up today
we hang out sometimes though we are no longer lovers
we love each other
we don't have sex
we aren't together
we talk occasionally

we sometimes play tennis or ride bikes
we've been trying to play the last week but our schedules don't work well

i tried calling him today because i was thinking about him
kept thinking about his glasses and his eyes

worked sort of late
got off work and felt the descent of the brain swell mind hell
life's depression forever lingering
one day it will stop-- hey kids, do you know when that is?

he calls me up after i eat dinner
cool to talk to him
he tells me all his successes about the job offers he's accepted and the multiple positions he is getting that he didn't think would work out but everything seems to be working well and he is hooked up and he was worrying about it for weeks and acting like he'd never get a job or have his dreams fulfilled. but now he's getting a raise and a great new position and another avenue is opening

he tells me about it tonight on the phone
i am glad to hear he got them, honestly, because i am also proud of him
but as i listen, i begin to feel inadequate myself; please see the brain swell hell already in place
towards the end of our conversation, that has now gone on for an hour of shared topics and him telling me his successes and relief for such a great day and the gratitude he felt for his life,

he states: oh and A, i wanted to talk to you about something. i don't think you've been a very good friend lately.  it was awkward hanging out with you such and such a day.  you seemed distant and different.

i couldn't recall a reason why, and i don't know if one existed other than we don't hang out that often any more and i had some things on my mind while playing tennis; who knows

now the cloud is suddenly darker and looms from months old
relationship sludge thickly coating my shoulders and feet
fuck this again; he's so good at the mind fuck, and innocently so
tactless

spent 2 years thrown about his innocent manipulation and diva like hijinks
and my own characteristics flailing

eventually we got off the phone

to plan another day to hang
i'd like to but wonder if i'll be more myself now that he's said weird shit, a good chance not
but i may be able to handle it; freedom

now i'll spend the next hours of wakefulness ignoring our conversation and all the words he said bouncing around my skull

i'll think about dying and the hell which is human awareness and love when collided with ego

i'll try to read a book or soothe my mind
or listen to music
or tend my plants

but inside i'll know it is all still there
all the love and understanding
all the mysterious unknowns
the awareness of the infinite expanse of all
and the feeling of the inability to share it entirely

and i'll hope to forget everything

the song



-Lahmadaj