Ren Hoek

"Oh cru-el fate, what is this heinous trick thou hast played upon me!?"

old dudes

so my old dude calls me up today
we hang out sometimes though we are no longer lovers
we love each other
we don't have sex
we aren't together
we talk occasionally

we sometimes play tennis or ride bikes
we've been trying to play the last week but our schedules don't work well

i tried calling him today because i was thinking about him
kept thinking about his glasses and his eyes

worked sort of late
got off work and felt the descent of the brain swell mind hell
life's depression forever lingering
one day it will stop-- hey kids, do you know when that is?

he calls me up after i eat dinner
cool to talk to him
he tells me all his successes about the job offers he's accepted and the multiple positions he is getting that he didn't think would work out but everything seems to be working well and he is hooked up and he was worrying about it for weeks and acting like he'd never get a job or have his dreams fulfilled. but now he's getting a raise and a great new position and another avenue is opening

he tells me about it tonight on the phone
i am glad to hear he got them, honestly, because i am also proud of him
but as i listen, i begin to feel inadequate myself; please see the brain swell hell already in place
towards the end of our conversation, that has now gone on for an hour of shared topics and him telling me his successes and relief for such a great day and the gratitude he felt for his life,

he states: oh and A, i wanted to talk to you about something. i don't think you've been a very good friend lately.  it was awkward hanging out with you such and such a day.  you seemed distant and different.

i couldn't recall a reason why, and i don't know if one existed other than we don't hang out that often any more and i had some things on my mind while playing tennis; who knows

now the cloud is suddenly darker and looms from months old
relationship sludge thickly coating my shoulders and feet
fuck this again; he's so good at the mind fuck, and innocently so
tactless

spent 2 years thrown about his innocent manipulation and diva like hijinks
and my own characteristics flailing

eventually we got off the phone

to plan another day to hang
i'd like to but wonder if i'll be more myself now that he's said weird shit, a good chance not
but i may be able to handle it; freedom

now i'll spend the next hours of wakefulness ignoring our conversation and all the words he said bouncing around my skull

i'll think about dying and the hell which is human awareness and love when collided with ego

i'll try to read a book or soothe my mind
or listen to music
or tend my plants

but inside i'll know it is all still there
all the love and understanding
all the mysterious unknowns
the awareness of the infinite expanse of all
and the feeling of the inability to share it entirely

and i'll hope to forget everything

the song



-Lahmadaj

--

'I'm an American

not a bump in the road'

as a fellow rebel-slave of the giant monster

i think we may just be a bump in the road

the trick is to send them flying

or to not be on the road

-Lahmadaj

hey

friend

nice

to hear

hey friend

nice

to share

yo friend

it

is good

-lahmadaj

high

light
the
heat
flower

deep
inside
slowly
extinguished

ease
the
solid
turn

it's
my
turn
to
go
a
way


-lahmadaj

..

America!

we'll constantly lie to ourselves and each other

America!

it's mine, i want it, you're my competition

America!

cold war yeah, hide your head, show me your teeth

don't forget to bitch about nothing

America!

hey that's what i'm doing.

-Lahmadaj

well

I guess since the rapture is delayed/non-existent

we'll all have to start taking responsibility for ourselves

oh wait, we can just make up something else to relinquish reality to the imaginary
-------------------
infinite wheel

won't you try stepping off



-Lahmadaj

Catch you later Harpo

Oprah

many celebrities showed up to say thanks/goodbye at her double, 2nd to last, episode.

all sorts of glitz showed to say gush gush to the rich woman

"Oprah Winfrey, because of you women everywhere have graduated to a new level of understanding of who we are, of what we are and, most of all, who we can be," Beyoncé said. Chicago AP


yeah except normal women.  Beyonce, Madonna, enter fan of stars (paycheck anyone)

you're not horrible Oprah, but you are not realistic, you are grandeur of american wealth that all the midwest ladies pine for and keep miniature models of close to their hearts and clitorides

Oprah, if you see this, I could use a new car, or maybe a vacation to some exotic place like NYC or even Portland, or even a chance to 'make my dreams come true'

sometimes not sure if I'm cutthroat enough for the amassing of uselessness

thank the sun for music
thank my ears
will sing in my death
and escape the earth
also to remain


-Lahmadaj

Flight Numbers 93 and 175

"Out of respect for those who lost their lives and those who will always remember our heroes, United Airlines must do what should have already been done — immediately and permanently retire these flight numbers," said Greg Davidowitch, president of the Association of Flight Attendants.


Wendy Morse, a United captain and an official with the Air Line Pilots Association unit representing United pilots, said "the thought of anyone among management at United Airlines to even consider reinstating these two sacred flight numbers — on the heels of Osama bin Laden's death — demonstrates a severe disconnect from right and wrong."
-AP
----------


I do not mean to disrespect anyone involved in the 9/11 flight disasters.


But seriously, 'sacred flight numbers'


they are numbers
they appear everywhere
this shouts 21st century insanity


aren't there more important things to worry about
like why the daughter of a flight victim is still being fed all the american lies and gender role associations she'll spend the rest of her life cherishing as a get into heaven for free pass, or spend a life time trying to cast off while seeking truth, all of which is a bit depressing.


maybe I'm insane


-Lahmadaj 

cannot

find the floor
feeding intense
rally internal

light this hollow space


-Lahmadaj

would

be easier
to take the same
point of line
and bend my face
to pull off skin

relocate infinitely


-Lahmadaj

upon thoughts

of life
wonder what i'm doing

space of time


-Lahmadaj

it's all

hyped

maybe we've been doing this since language

bore


-Lahmadaj

the music reach

back to the time
inside more than
each to his
a space
in ear

-Lahmadaj

o my bike

what lovely reeling

take your time

watch his smiling face

turn turn
wheel we'll go

could do this forever
in the light of setting sun
the pace of legs
the crow
flash of teeth
one

-Lahmadaj