yesterday

was my birthday

not sure entirely about it all

woke up, as is the recent pattern

to the sound of my new next door neighbor's daycare business
the sound of very small children
singing, talking, yelling
and the lyricless voice
of an adult's kid voice
loud and solo
dominating the texture
verse after repetitive verse of three blind mice
and other nursery dirges

her voice louder than all
for they are tiny little children
drumming and clicking things

her voice sour and unending
wafting into my window
because they are directly outside
next to the house

her sugared and depressing
'YAAAAAAAAY!' of encouragement

demons

yes yes
some may say that the song of youth is a beauty

some may say

this is followed by her husband's
friend
grinding the shit out of a rusty smoker with a bristle brush
directly by my window

the high squealing rip of corroded metal
is almost too much for me

who the f. are these yohoes

i realize I am probably jealous

jealous of their newly refurbished house
a big house: attic, basement, backyard, kitchen, at least 3 or 4 bedrooms
multiple baths
for two 30 somethings
jealous of their free time to fix up the yard and create projects
to have guests in the backyard candle light
for wine and merriment

while i share a house with 4 other mediocre people
mostly inadequate and blinded
like moths
unendingly into bulbs
and a fifth lives in the basement
and our house is moist and moldy
and the rent is cheap (duh)
and I stay in my room almost all the time
other than cooking, shitting, cleaning, or leaving

decided to proceed to the park
else succumb to torment
of my current placement

oh at least the trees
the bird
the jellyfish

a turn of a crane

the quick color change of boat wake

the sun through clouds

my feet
back and forth
criss crossing

dig sand

another bird


-Lahmadaj

status

and mood

one can change these to allow others to see and know his state of existence

'yeah right

get real'

what realm is this emoticon

an imagined space

so to create a gathering of other non-existent spaces

does anyone care of the others' temperament regarding the taco they just ate

regarding the boil pained slowly on the leg

nope, didn't think anyone gave a fuck

the other is not here

i can not touch him

i do not see her face

i can not laugh with him

i see no light

there is no body

there is no embrace

no scent

there are only typed shelled words

expressing menial obligations to the man or pop

and i sit quietly

wondering when this stupid shit may suck me into the trash ball

or it already has wrapped its boredom around me tight

pulling the air away

i sit quietly

and wonder why i have few friends

and fewer loves

it may be easily my own inability

though it may be the prescribed life one claims as his own

how much of it is one's own

i suppose

the shit

the voice

the gas 

the blood movement

the bipedal stomp

i doubt any of the mind

except one miniscule fragment of light

which most contemporaries 

dress up in robes of pop culture 

and extravagance 

as though it really is that cool

as though they really give a fuck

as though they've expanded to such heights of awareness

though they know not when they've farted

or when they've burned down a youth

turn his skin into gold

we can wear it around our necks

and laugh heartily at our believed appreciation of art

of human

of the passion inside

read all about it in my status

my emotion 

my essence

the lovers know; the others blow

the night is breathing

the sun is low

-lahmadaj