Hear

the sound from moving air

guitar

love star

slow chord melody a sting

and the light

the sound of brokencontinuation

-Lahmadaj

Hey

many times I wish to have never met you
being stupid, I changed and wanted to give to you unchecked

maybe I'll be gone and you'll disappear
cannot be much longer

-Lahmadaj

throw it over here

the bone

toss it high into the sky

see its twisting spiral descent

wonder of its internal lattice

easy for the eyes yes

looking to the sky

and imagine the reality of freedom

the cage of person

the relief of one

imagining the possible

touches into sweetness

the only one


-Lahmadaj

oma

will you go
and wait for us

the turning earth

love the love
finding a golden stone

will we stay to see the rise the fall
continuous water elated

i'll smile thinking of you
in the light of sun and bird song

may my worth be great
and you to dancing

-Lahmadaj

I laugh

and think to myself

about the times i've accidentally sold my truth for the social ease

i waste my time thinking and imagining the froth of possibilities

look back and see myself the same despite my growing age
wonder when i can share this with another
there was one; no longer
myself again and the earth
like the first day

wonder if I'll change myself into something new
a pattern repeated a pattern

i'm unhinged compared to most americans
still chained to the cycle
vices
loneliness
inadequate resources
finite

I think and laugh to myself
despite all this
the air still feels so good

the light meets my eye
and my skin delivers

-Lahmadaj

old dudes

so my old dude calls me up today
we hang out sometimes though we are no longer lovers
we love each other
we don't have sex
we aren't together
we talk occasionally

we sometimes play tennis or ride bikes
we've been trying to play the last week but our schedules don't work well

i tried calling him today because i was thinking about him
kept thinking about his glasses and his eyes

worked sort of late
got off work and felt the descent of the brain swell mind hell
life's depression forever lingering
one day it will stop-- hey kids, do you know when that is?

he calls me up after i eat dinner
cool to talk to him
he tells me all his successes about the job offers he's accepted and the multiple positions he is getting that he didn't think would work out but everything seems to be working well and he is hooked up and he was worrying about it for weeks and acting like he'd never get a job or have his dreams fulfilled. but now he's getting a raise and a great new position and another avenue is opening

he tells me about it tonight on the phone
i am glad to hear he got them, honestly, because i am also proud of him
but as i listen, i begin to feel inadequate myself; please see the brain swell hell already in place
towards the end of our conversation, that has now gone on for an hour of shared topics and him telling me his successes and relief for such a great day and the gratitude he felt for his life,

he states: oh and A, i wanted to talk to you about something. i don't think you've been a very good friend lately.  it was awkward hanging out with you such and such a day.  you seemed distant and different.

i couldn't recall a reason why, and i don't know if one existed other than we don't hang out that often any more and i had some things on my mind while playing tennis; who knows

now the cloud is suddenly darker and looms from months old
relationship sludge thickly coating my shoulders and feet
fuck this again; he's so good at the mind fuck, and innocently so
tactless

spent 2 years thrown about his innocent manipulation and diva like hijinks
and my own characteristics flailing

eventually we got off the phone

to plan another day to hang
i'd like to but wonder if i'll be more myself now that he's said weird shit, a good chance not
but i may be able to handle it; freedom

now i'll spend the next hours of wakefulness ignoring our conversation and all the words he said bouncing around my skull

i'll think about dying and the hell which is human awareness and love when collided with ego

i'll try to read a book or soothe my mind
or listen to music
or tend my plants

but inside i'll know it is all still there
all the love and understanding
all the mysterious unknowns
the awareness of the infinite expanse of all
and the feeling of the inability to share it entirely

and i'll hope to forget everything

the song



-Lahmadaj

the music reach

back to the time
inside more than
each to his
a space
in ear

-Lahmadaj

o my bike

what lovely reeling

take your time

watch his smiling face

turn turn
wheel we'll go

could do this forever
in the light of setting sun
the pace of legs
the crow
flash of teeth
one

-Lahmadaj

thanks

for returning the key
thanks
for locking yourself out
thanks for removing me from

all your bull shit


even though I love you


now I can play alone
with only my own bull shit


'pound you out of my head'


-Lahmadaj

skin so smooth

soft light
a smile running

love you

feel the glowing
push back

listen to the breathing
a taste infinite

to touch lips

-Lahmadaj

what is the what

warehouse shaking
includes the brain false
breaking the torrent
into mist of solid
elate the breath
the ground does shake its body
all times is the time
if you'll hear the music
it can taste
touch the tentacled rain

the lord sayeth rejoiceth

-Lahmadaj

always seems so true

the earth only got to let it take you feel its breaking point

so many of those seem to worry and turn mind body into froth worms

don't let it take you too when they crawl all about frantic and suffering

self detained in prison so as to remain safe but the danger's the same

it does not change despite the cages

one will still die and the god studied through mind of dead people

will not be true will not be your god because it was someone else's

learned to draw the portrait without seeing self

-Lahmadaj

underneath

the shadow
as its slide is shifted
the ground is pulse
and the worm

-Lahmadaj

thinking

of those i've met
from time to time

friends

not only those that I know will always remain in contact
not only those that I love and laugh to think of them

all those people that shared part of their lives

interacted with me

laughed with me or became very serious

truth

in a glance

thinking of Welsh friends

how I may never see them again

but in thinking of that love
back and forth
circle

here in southern lands they have bronze

youngstown
somerset
santa cruz
pittsburgh
seattle
cardiff
london
portland
los angeles
new mexico
upstate NY
ohio
NYC

the mother turned round

been thinking

wonder how many more I'll be glad to see

if I'm allowed to remain

-Lahmadaj

....

one wakes each morning
to sadness and unmotivated doings
each day
each morning
one lifts his head to find it sunken with ill fate
does not care about linked iphones
does not care about the over anxious business person
does not care about american success
does not want the media frothing and melting its false love
does not want conviction into the uselessness
each day
each morning
to low lighted images
tired for no reason
unhappy because others are happy
they are not
i am a lie
and the sky is above


-Lahmadaj

.

not sure I like this feeling
telling my friend to leave


-Lahmadaj

it's difficult

to love

someone

then begin finding out later

more of how he thinks

yeah not so attracted to you

when you start 

talking to me in that way

asking me

finding out the narrow

motive behind the question

his assuming definitions of words

may be too f. to fix

that's what he wanted

maybe 

that's what I wanted

-Lahmadaj

a palace

the Alhambra palace was next to me once on a circling walk
I began this trip to see the interior
of this structure close to Granada, Spain
a beautiful and amazing city
I strolled along its outer walls
took a picture from above of a map of its floor plan
there were vines of red above on the yellow mute stucco
the travel to the lower side was a scene
for the mid December air had the leaves autumned
a small stream ran near the high walls and the shadows
along the path did lie
once to the foot of turning water
and the end of walls
after water falling
I climbed a small drive
then a wall or gate to see the distance before me
Upon my height realized my property intrusion
held a moments glance to remember
then descended cacti trail
a leap from the wall
back to a path hearing music
the light shone early


-Lahmadaj

it was fairly late

no one was around me
i sat alone
my cacti grew on the left
the light on
making music
i may never hear
thinking about another life
knowing it's impossible
did we fall away
is he already gone
not sure

-Lahmadaj

last night

I went to hear four bands play in a basement in Seattle's central district.  This concert occurred Sunday July 18.  I arrived to hear the last 3/4's of the last song of the first band.  The remaining three bands followed.  I drank beer before I attended this show.  I asked some people to join me, but none could make it.  I drank beer during this show.  I've been to this house a number of times, almost always alone since I don't know many people.  It was one dude's birthday.  This fellow lives at the venue house.  He also played in a band for this show. He is a cool guy and friendly.  He's turning 34 on Tuesday.  Between bands, I spent sometime wondering around outside looking into the sky.  There were a moderate amount of attendees at this concert.  Many concert goers smoke and talk outside between sets.  Some people know each other and have been associated in their lives. There were a few stars in the sky; I saw the big dipper by accident.  It was about to dump galactic dippables onto a smoking party-goer.  Nothing fell from the sky.  I found the north star via BD's handle and thought, 'who cares what direction.'  I think I texted my lover at this point or drank more beer.  Quiet like the sky.


-Lahmadaj