how much

time must be dedicated in one's life
to the dismantling of the enormous set of lies
passed down from elders
seen through young interpretation

seems as though the task will not complete

is there no stopping the infinite minutia of error

most definitely there are two ways

follow the no mind of the lifted

or raise the hands and begin to stop the breathing


-Lahmadaj

old dudes

so my old dude calls me up today
we hang out sometimes though we are no longer lovers
we love each other
we don't have sex
we aren't together
we talk occasionally

we sometimes play tennis or ride bikes
we've been trying to play the last week but our schedules don't work well

i tried calling him today because i was thinking about him
kept thinking about his glasses and his eyes

worked sort of late
got off work and felt the descent of the brain swell mind hell
life's depression forever lingering
one day it will stop-- hey kids, do you know when that is?

he calls me up after i eat dinner
cool to talk to him
he tells me all his successes about the job offers he's accepted and the multiple positions he is getting that he didn't think would work out but everything seems to be working well and he is hooked up and he was worrying about it for weeks and acting like he'd never get a job or have his dreams fulfilled. but now he's getting a raise and a great new position and another avenue is opening

he tells me about it tonight on the phone
i am glad to hear he got them, honestly, because i am also proud of him
but as i listen, i begin to feel inadequate myself; please see the brain swell hell already in place
towards the end of our conversation, that has now gone on for an hour of shared topics and him telling me his successes and relief for such a great day and the gratitude he felt for his life,

he states: oh and A, i wanted to talk to you about something. i don't think you've been a very good friend lately.  it was awkward hanging out with you such and such a day.  you seemed distant and different.

i couldn't recall a reason why, and i don't know if one existed other than we don't hang out that often any more and i had some things on my mind while playing tennis; who knows

now the cloud is suddenly darker and looms from months old
relationship sludge thickly coating my shoulders and feet
fuck this again; he's so good at the mind fuck, and innocently so
tactless

spent 2 years thrown about his innocent manipulation and diva like hijinks
and my own characteristics flailing

eventually we got off the phone

to plan another day to hang
i'd like to but wonder if i'll be more myself now that he's said weird shit, a good chance not
but i may be able to handle it; freedom

now i'll spend the next hours of wakefulness ignoring our conversation and all the words he said bouncing around my skull

i'll think about dying and the hell which is human awareness and love when collided with ego

i'll try to read a book or soothe my mind
or listen to music
or tend my plants

but inside i'll know it is all still there
all the love and understanding
all the mysterious unknowns
the awareness of the infinite expanse of all
and the feeling of the inability to share it entirely

and i'll hope to forget everything

the song



-Lahmadaj

well

I guess since the rapture is delayed/non-existent

we'll all have to start taking responsibility for ourselves

oh wait, we can just make up something else to relinquish reality to the imaginary
-------------------
infinite wheel

won't you try stepping off



-Lahmadaj

would

be easier
to take the same
point of line
and bend my face
to pull off skin

relocate infinitely


-Lahmadaj

oh music

the only thing worth anything

a fortune not
in the man's hands

good thing

good thing it's here

otherwise
I'd not


-Lahmadaj

there are his eyes

looking at mine
he tells me words
out loud

he rarely says what's below
this burns

seems alive and smiles
touches lips
can hear breathing

what depression
to have the infinite light
hidden

looks at me
lost my shining
sometime in the years
thinking of when this all stops

i'll wait and wait and wait

may be birds


-Lahmadaj

it's all

there
each day
the turning
each day

pleading with the strawberries
his face lowers
drip the leaves

can't imagine anything else
a million infinite
each day

enter the tune
a length of fret
trigger finger

there it is
each day


-Lahmadaj

skin so smooth

soft light
a smile running

love you

feel the glowing
push back

listen to the breathing
a taste infinite

to touch lips

-Lahmadaj

one gets that slow draw

and the bed is deep and languid marking infinite slumber that is impossible with this body eventually to wake itself and see light the window is open and cool air enters from outside the click of a clock which does not exist in this room and the plants grow slow wish to have some other friend and a place to dance cannot get going down down is the sand and the life i used to know which of course is not this life my life unfolded and planted bright sitting in the air of sun to wonder what is next and the lengths to run


-Lahmadaj

I wish

to rip out these lymph nodes and burn them in a pail
I want to laugh as they melt into charred flesh and the pain leaves my body
I want to continue to dismantle this form

run around asking questions
someone gives you an answer
thinking it not so useful
run around asking questions

no one has any fucking idea

I have no idea

I had an idea, many actually

but the thrash has diminished them
the coarse iron that grates and scrapes my back
once pulled
once pushed
continue infinite

thought had made it
thought it would be better
spent so much time as younger doing what was needed
none was needed
to end here stupid and bored
my center heavy and raw
tried for the moon
tired

soothe that ache little one there is no world there is no one

again with the broken
throw on more fuel
disappear in its blazing

-Lahmadaj